A reader asked if I could explore anger here and I'm always down for requests!
Anger is a BIG topic so we're going to examine it over the next few weeks. This week, we'll focus on the why's of anger: why does everyone seem so angry?
The last two years have really highlighted how many of us are carrying a lot of anger. Strangers explode over fairly innocuous things, while others hide behind the anonymity of the internet to post incredibly vicious attacks.
What gives? Is public anger at an all time high?
Probably not. Anger is a very normal and healthy reaction when someone oversteps, transgresses, or otherwise deliberately harms us in some way.
When is anger a problem?
Believe it or not, anger is often grounded in fear. The three base emotions that almost all mammals exhibit are fear, joy, and sadness. Think about a dog, for example: violently angry dogs are usually either terrified or have been trained to exhibit anger, typically through harsh punishment. In other words, anger is a learned response to outside stressors. It's a way to protect ourselves, our loved ones, and our property. We typically feel angry when someone takes something from us - something valuable, whether that's tangible or intangible like dignity. Anger is very common when we believe someone will take something, whether that belief is grounded in reality or not.
Think about this example: our boss requests a meeting with us and we don't know what it's about. Before we even get to the meeting, we've spun out by going over all possible confrontational circumstances and we're super defensive before we walk through the door. At that point, there's little the boss will say that won't heighten our emotional state even more.
Why such an angry response? We probably believe that the surprise meeting threatens a few things: our work reputation, our self-image, and maybe our employment as well. Whether any of that is true or not doesn't matter because our nervous system responds to imagined stress just as it does to real physical threats in the world. We become angry because we believe our work has been questioned and deep down we fear that we might lose something as a result.
Let's look at another every day example: partner conflict. Partners can clash over a variety of issues but one of the biggest sources of disagreement is money. Partners often become angry with one another when spending habits aren't aligned. Let's say one partner bought an item of clothing they didn't need and the other partner responds angrily. Why? Let's assume that that one item of clothing won't send the couple into bankruptcy, so why the angry response? Examples like this are also grounded in fear - a fear of being disrespected, a fear of not having enough, a fear of running out of resources, a fear of not being important enough to consult before the purchase.
So when is anger out of line? So many people are walking around with pent up anger that they unload on innocent strangers who had little to nothing to do with the built up rage. Very few of us consider intention when we believe someone had done something against us.
Let's look back at the work example. Ok, so we've worked ourselves up into a defensive rage but what really is our supervisor's intention in calling us in for a meeting? Do we even know? If it is because we made a mistake, is the intention to berate us without discussion? That's a reason to be angry, for sure, but let's hope that doesn't happen too often. Is the intention, then, to discuss expectations or procedures? That our supervisor wants to discuss expectations or even boundaries is not something to get angry about because it means they want us to stick around.
Let's look back at the partner example. Is the spending something to get angry about? It could be if it oversteps boundaries that we already agreed-upon. If the overstepping is continual and an intentional disrespect, that speaks of issues in the partnership that are much deeper than the spending itself. The spending is a symptom of a problem, not the cause. If the spending is outside of an agreed upon boundary, why get angry?
Again, this is where intention comes in. There's a difference between what one person says and what another person hears. I'm sure we've all been in a situation where someone says "Well, you said x, y, z..." and we think "Wait, no I didn't!" We often interpret what was said to support our underlying beliefs about the other person or situation.
Politics really hammer this point home. During the last decade, politics have been at a fever pitch of divisiveness. The public will hear a speech by a candidate and have wildly different interpretations. One side will see it as strong and bold while the other will see it as combative and explosive. The words used were the same: it's the interpretation that's different.
Phew. We covered a lot here. Next week, we'll dive deeper into intention and work through the difference between inconveniences and hardships. We'll finish in two weeks with how to let go of some of that built up anger and work towards peace of mind.
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