The Ultimate Taboo

After Bill died, I remember a moment in which I suddenly felt incredibly uncomfortable. I'd committed the ultimate taboo for someone newly widowed - and I promise that it's not what you think.

I was in Buffalo at the memorial luncheon that our friends pulled together. We'd created a culinary scholarship in Bill's memory and tickets for the luncheon helped bump it up to a very healthy amount. I was talking with my friends who'd helped so much - both with long-distance support and with taking care of all of the event details - and someone said something that made me laugh. Loudly. And it was right at that moment where there just happened to be a pause in all other conversations so my outburst dominated the room.

I felt all eyes turn to me and I wilted. I felt like everyone was thinking:

How can she be laughing at her husband's memorial? How can she look happy?

One of the very weird beliefs about grief is that sadness is the sole emotion involved. That's it. We're sad. The end.

But, the human mind is not that simple. We know that grief involves anger, guilt, betrayal, relief, humiliation, and all sorts of complex emotions that are interwoven. Why do we find fault with moments of laughter?

My relationship with Bill was based on humor. We cracked each other up all the time, quite literally up until a few hours before he died. I remember talking to him on the phone as I waiting in line to get my rental car in Miami and I told about an unruly kid on my flight there. He cracked up at my description and I loved hearing him laugh.

He was gone a few hours later.

But, why would this love of laughter disappear with his death? Laughter provides a similar release that crying does but feels way better. It's a point of social bonding and, after loss, we need that bonding the most. And for me, it was healing: I want to remember the ridiculous Bill, the Bill who would do anything to make me laugh - not the Bill I saw at the mortuary. That wasn't Bill. Holding the happy, silly version has made the journey more tolerable because it reminds me that he lived a full life and that's the best any of us can hope for.

And finally, we need humor to get us through those dark days. As Phyllis Diller once said, "We all need to laugh and if you can't see the funny side... oh shoot... what use is it?"

Your turn! Have you ever found something funny about a dark situation? Have you ever laughed at a very wrong time? Comment below!