Before I lost Bill, I wasn’t a believer in signs. I felt that there can indeed be coincidences, totally without reason. I bristled when people would say things like “There is no such thing as coincidence” because of course there are coincidences with no reason behind them at all. I also bristled at “Everything happens for a reason” because I felt that we find reason in things that happen – that’s part of being human. We seek reason. To me, coincidences or happenings weren’t signs of some unseen workings – they just were what they were.
However, I’ve experienced far too many things since he died that were just beyond coincidence and it feels like the Universe put me in such a state of heightened emotion to get me to pay attention. Maybe that’s what it took but man – it took.
A happening that stands out was about a month after Bill died. I was at my wits end because my car had been hit overnight and was undriveable. In addition to wrestling with such a recent and profound loss, I had to deal with insurance and figure out rental cars. I was just so tapped out emotionally and psychologically that I didn’t know how I’d make it through every day. I got into the rental one morning to go to work and Dolce & Gabbana’s “The One Gentleman” permeated the car. That was Bill’s scent and it hadn’t been in the car when I’d picked it up the day before. I broke and just said “Bill, where ARE YOU?” I think it was his way of just letting me know he was there and that I’d make it through this most recent trial.
Since he died, there were so many instances like this. Some might seem far-fetched but each time the feeling was absolutely clear: he was making his presence known.
I’ve spoken to others who’ve experienced loss and some tell me about the signs they’ve received. To me, the descriptions aren’t anything all that out of the ordinary but that’s the difference: it’s not my gut instinct telling me it’s a sign – it’s theirs. That, ultimately, is what matters.
As time has unfolded, I've experienced fewer signs. I still see them but not to the intensity or with the same frequency. Could this mean that Bill is moving on? Or that I've transitioned to building my life again? Or is it just that I'm not as open and aware as I was when it was all so fresh and raw? I have no idea but suspect it's the last. The signs are probably always there but we're often too busy going about our day to day lives to notice.
Now, of course there could be logical explanations for the signs we receive. But, much like with faith, I feel like if this is the explanation that resonates so deeply with me, that’s all that matters. Signs can provide us with comfort and with a sense of connection to the person we lost. No matter what our faith may or may not be, we don’t have concrete answers for what happens after death and the unknown can be frightening and lonely. Experiencing a sign is getting the support and encouragement from the person we lost, and usually at times when we need it most.
Personally, there’s no amount of logic that can justify taking that away.
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